| Jokes and Toons | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Duracell gives out |
2 Cold Street North Pole, Canada H0H 0H0 I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap. On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February. Sincerely, Santa. | |||||||||||||||||||
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A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a TV. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!" | Milking a cow | |||||||||||||||||||
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| Introducing Bill Clinton and the Band (with Bill on the Sax) |
During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?" The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator then told him the story. The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!" | |||||||||||||||||||
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